Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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