i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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