Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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