Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize