i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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