Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
