I like to think it a success when the cops are called
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
