never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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