Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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