ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
