i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
