What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
