I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
