i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
