I'm so fucking centered right now
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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