Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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