I am puke
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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