I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
