Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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