what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
