so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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