I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
