I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
