You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
