i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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