I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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