Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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