Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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