dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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