If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
