I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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