matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
