operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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