he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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