she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
