I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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