She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize