I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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