dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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