I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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