Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
