Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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