you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
you inspire me to be a worse person
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
