i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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