Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
sex in a hospital.. check
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
