Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i drank out of a bidet.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
