YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
