I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
