Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
should my penis look like a turkey
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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