He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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