Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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