I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
