put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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