I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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