Dude my mom stole all your condoms
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
