I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
