Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
