Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
